Carlos I'm Pregnant and you are the Father!
by ink-stains
Summary: Carlos gets horny in Raccon City and causes mischief. Very Funny and Suprising material. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!


**Chapter I**

"Chris!"  
  
_Where is he..._ Claire shuffles through a bunch of papers on Chris' desk.   
"Jeez I sure have a messy brother..."  
_Probably after Jill, little slut ass bitch._  
  
**SWWOOOOOOOOSSHHH!**  
  
Claire's concentration is broken by the sudden crashing noise. She points her magnum at the fluttering papers. A young man appears behind Wesker's desk.  
  
  
"Hey Miss, I'm no zombie", says the soldier under a heavy accent.  
  
Claire lowers her gun. The soldier gets back on his feet and tries to regain his composure.   
  
"Carlos Olivera, Umbrella Biohazard Counter Measure Service."  
  
"oh, sorry about that." Claire says embarrased.  
  
"Hey no problemo. I'm glad I found you. We were supposed to save any** uninfected** civillians. So far you're the only one."   
  
"I'm not a civillian. I'm looking for my brother, Chris Redfield. Perhaps you've heard of him? He disappeared after doing an investigation on your company."   
  
"Listen, I didn't have anything to do with that." Carlos says cooly. "I'm just doing my job."   
  
Claire is infuriated by Carlos' insensitivity. "So was my brother!" She rushes out of the room.   
  
"Goddamn civillians, so ungrateful." Carlos slicks his hair back. 

Jill escapes the Nemesis' grasp and rushes to the RCPD. Since Nemesis doesn't know how to open _**PULL**_ doors, Jill has finally found some sanctuary.   
  
**_BOOM BOOM_**   
  
Jill jumps back as Nemesis continues banging against the doors in his (or her?) angst.  
  
_Click_   
  
Jill reloads her Beretta, dropping the empty clips on the floor. She is a tough cookie and despite having suffered some wounds she walks confidently to the system computer. _I have to get out of here..._   
  
Meanwhile Carlos strolls into the lounge room spinning his assault rifle like a baton, as if he were the star of a silent Chaplin flick. There are 5 zombies consuming a decayed corpse. It turns out that zombies prefer fresh meat to decayed meat; for they all came after Carlos .   
  
"Hey there's enough Carlos for all you ladies, heheheh." he says as he emptys round after round of lead into the meat puppets. 10 minutes later, fresh blood has splattered on the surrounding walls. Carlos wipes some blood off his face and spits some of the gore that had gotten in his mouth.   
  
"Fuckers...." Carlos heavy boots squish around the mess. He looks down disgusted at the disembered bodies.   
  
A terrified shreek fills the halls.**_"EEEEEKKKKK!"_**   
  
"A damsel in distress!" Carlos straightens up, alert.   
  
He exits the lounge and finds Claire struggling with a zombie.   
  
"ugh, esta puta", he says annoyed.   
  
Carlos points his gun at Claire. "Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing!" Claire shouts in desperation.   
  
_Click_   
  
Claire falls to the floor. The headless zombie lies limp over her.   
  
"Ugh, get it off me." Claire says as she pushes the cadaver of her. She is still sitting on the floor in shock of the whole ordeal. Behind her blood, dirt and tear stained face Carlos sees a terrified creature. His mood softens.   
  
He kneels down next to her. "Hey are you ok?"   
  
At the moment Claire was unaware that Carlos was so close to her. She threw her arms around his necks and buries her head in his chest. She begins to weep.   
  
_Finally that tough girl image is shattered._ Carlos thinks to himself.   
  
"It's gonna be ok Claire. I promise." Carlos says gently.   
  
Claire looks up sheepishly into Carlos' honey tinted eyes.   
  
Behind a shy smile she says, "You remembered, my name."   
  
**Chapter 2**

Carlos re-enters the lounge carrying the stricken Claire in his arms. The audacity of the stench, ruins the sense of tranquility. Carlos places Claire on the sofa.   
  
"Sorry about the mess, I didn't think I'd be having company." Carlos says sarcastically.   
  
Claire starts to giggle softly. "You know, I haven't smiled since first walking into this place."   
  
Carlos walks up to the **Blue Coke** machine and inspects it for a minute. He fingers the little sweat dropplets on the machine.   
  
"I think they might still be cold." he says.   
  
Claire watches him curiously as he centers himself with the machine.   
  
_**CRUNCH**_   
  
Carlos punches the machine with all his might, expelling 2 cans of refreshing Blue Coke. He hands one to Claire who is starstruck with him.   
  
"umm, thanks..." she says shyly.   
  
"Hey no problem foxy mamma."   
  
Claire blushes. Carlos can tell Claire is into him.   
  
"So,How old are you?" Carlos asks as he starts taking a sip from his own coke.   
  
"17"   
  
Carlos sprays his coke. "woah I thought you were my age,...shit."   
  
"Why?, does it matter?" Claire says slyly, "did that ruin your plans?"   
  
Carlos turns his back to Claire.   
  
"No, I just thought you were older..." Carlos says abit overwhelmed. He pulls out a flask and takes a large gulp. "shit" Carlos says under his breath.   
  
"That doesn't mean we can't have some fun." Claire says unzipping her vest.   
  
Carlos' lifts his eyebrows. He turns around and sees Claire beckoning him.   
  
****Suavemente by Elvis Crespo playing in Carlos' head.******   
  
_What the hell, we probably aren't gonna get outta here alive..._

The carrot-top rookie walks the musty halls of the Police Department. As he turns the corner, the smell of stale piss irks him.   
  
"Ugh, what the fuck is that smell." Leon looks down and sees the decapitated corpse. The edges of the neck were twisted.   
  
"Holy Shit! Who did this?"   
  
Leon, with his hand still over his mouth continues walking forward, his eyes following the streak of blood ;all collecting into one pool.   
  
_drip drip_   
  
A soft vibrating breath pierced his flesh like glass shards. Slowly Leon raised his eyes to the revolting creature suspended on the ceiling. It's lack of skin futher emphazied the throbbing muscles and the gleaming claws. The fully exposed brain swayed back as the long elastic tongue creeped out. Leon was in awe of the horrific image. It wasn't until a large gob of spit fell on his shoulder that he knew to run. But it was too late. The licker had already come down, and he drew his body together in a pounce like position. Leon and the creature's tongue raced for the door. As Leon made it across he slammed the door hard. 

Its been a while since Jill last saw Carlos so she is considerably worried. _ Where is this man! I hope he isn't in any trouble._   
  
"BLAH! Serves him right though. He's such a jerk."   
  
Jill walks into the S.T.A.R.S. room and finds Leon clutching his bloody arm.   
  
"Are you alright?" Jill says as she approaches Leon. "Are you a cop?"   
  
"Arrgh, stay away from me." Leon yells. He start fidgeting and falls of the desk where he was sitting.   
  
Jill walks over to Rebecca's desk and takes a first aid spray. "Becky always had an extra on her for emergencies."   
  
Jill walks back to the whimpering Leon, "Let's see that boo-boo, shall we."   
  
Leon let's his guard down and removes his shirt to reveal his wound. Jill sprays the wound.   
  
"Argghh!" Leon shrieks again with agitation "Dammit that stings."   
  
Jill tosses the empty can in the trash. "I've never seen you around before."   
  
"Today's my first day on the job. I was supposed to report to Martin." Leon explains to Jill.   
  
"Martin's dead." Jill said. Leon is shocked. "What, I just spoke to him a couple hours ago, how do you know?"   
  
"Trust me he's dead." Jill looks sharply at Leon.   
  
"Oh my God, did you kill him?" Leon is terrified.   
  
"You better come with me if you want to get outta here. I'm suprised you've survived this long." Jill looks down at Leon pitifully as he carresses his boo-boo.   
  
Leon is still bitter. "Who the hell are you anyway?"   
  
"Jill"   
  
"Wait a second", Leon says as he gets up, "Jill Valentine from S.T.A.R.S.!"   
  
Jill is getting increasingly annoyed with Leon and starts walking out. 

**Chapter 3**

"Ya so me and this girl Claire have been trying to figure out what happened." Leon says trying to start conversation with Jill. "Actually, I think she is looking for her brother, Chris." Suddenly Jill becomes intrested.   
  
"Chris?, Chris Redfield?" Jill asks Leon.   
  
"Yeah I think thats it."   
  
Jill stops and looks down. " He was my partner."   
  
"Hey you mind if we take a break." Leon says pointing at the dented Blue Coke machine.   
  
"Yeah sure..." Jill says looking at the dead zombies. "Jesus, who made this mess...ugh."   
  
Leon is looking for some change to buy a coke. "Well, its better for us, no?"   
  
He walks over to the couch and plops down. "Ahh, SHIT, MY ASS!"   
  
Jill doesn't ask why Leon is whining again. She is examining some foot prints.   
  
"Someone hid something here in the cushions..." Leon says as he pulls out a small baby blue diary.   
  
"Hello Kitty!?, what the..?" He opens the book and sees a picture of Claire with some friends. "Claire?" Leon grins devilishly. _ I wonder if she's written anything about me...hey this entry has today's date!   
  
Dear Journal,   
Still no sign of Chris. I did find his diary though. This Raccoon City place stinks...literally.  
The city has been over take with zombies. I almost got killed this one time.   
I had ran out of ammo and thought for sure I had met my end. But this gorgeous guy Carlos...  
lol. saved me. Journal he is some incredible. He told me he was from Brazil and that he had Indian blood.  
He has the most perfect tan skin and he has like these beautiful brown eyes, but they're like super light and like   
a honey color. He has the most incredible body...heehee, and he knows how to use it, if you know what I mean.  
Oh my god diary, I want to have Carlos' baby! _   
  
"ARRRGHHHH!!!!" Leon screams as he slams the diary on the floor.   
  
"What the hell is wrong now!" Jill says startled by Leon's sudden tantrum. "Geez, I getting tired of this, for real."   
  
Leon has this enraged look on his face.   
  
"Maybe we should seperate and look for our missing friends....ok?" Jill exclaims. She leaves the lounge area.   
_What a psycho..._

Leon picks up the diary again and stuffs it in his shirt.   
_ Who the fuck is this Carlos guy...errr. I thought I was #1 in Claire's heart.   
Who ever this Latin Lover is, he has to go! _ As Leon is walking out of the lounge he slips on the blood pool.   
  
"DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!" 

In the meantime Claire is walking with Sherry Birkin.   
"I'm scared Claire. What if daddy finds us?"   
  
"Don't worry sweetheart, as soon as we find Carlos we'll really be safe."   
  
"Leon, what are you doing here!?" Claire exclaims when she sees him walk into the room.   
  
"You fucking little bitch!" Leon knocks Sherry down as he grabs Claire by her hair and drags her like a cavewoman. Leon punches Claire repeatedly in the face. Claire's body closes up in a fetal position.   
  
"You want some DICK bitch!" he starts unbuckling his belt, "Ain't nothing but a G-THANG BITCH!!!"   
  
Leon is carrying on like this without awareness of Sherry's prescence. Sherry does the only she can to save herself. She bites Leon in the ASS! Piercing his flesh with those little incisors with a bulldog grip.   
  
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!., AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!!  
  
But Sherry would not let go. Claire took this as an oppurtunity as a chance to escape. She kicked Leon in the nads, Sherry was still attached like Siamese Twin. Leon clutched his small sensitive bruised balls, that were now swelling to the size of tennis balls.   
  
"Sherry come on!, Let go, we have to go now!" But Sherry would not let go. Claire had to literally rip Sherry away. Claire ran clutching Sherry, leaving Leon to tend his bruised balls and torn buttocks. 

**Chapter 4**

Carlos' sat in the resturaunt listnening to the radio. His eyes were red and glossy.   
  
"Carlos is that you!" Jill said fanning the smoke from her face. "Where have you been!? We've been looking everywhere for you!"   
  
Carlos looked up from his joint. "I was, uhh...fighting zombies..."   
  
"What is that purple stain on your pants?" Jill asked suspisciously.   
  
"Oh that, yeah I was fighting with Nemesis....I killed her."   
  
"Are you serious Carlos...?" Jill sat on Carlos' lap. "All this time I thought you were this stupid jerk, who didn't care about anything."   
  
"I did it for you baby." Carlos said hypnotizing Jill with those eyes.   
  
"You know there's a little corner over there, you know where I can _thank you_ better", Jill says suggestively.   
  
"I don't know..." Carlos says as he stretches his arms and yawns. "but I won't deprieve you of EL PAPI." 

After Carlos' little escapades he bumps into Leon who is limping.   
  
"Hey Man, are you ok?" Carlos ask the wounded Leon. "You don't look so good.."   
  
"Yeah, that's probably because this little bitch kicked me in the nuts and this evil mutant child bit my ass."   
  
Carlos starts laughing. Leon notices the accent, the tan skin, the toned body, the honey colored eyes.   
  
"By the way ol' chap, what's your name?" Leon asks.   
  
Carlos stops laughing and points at himself.   
  
"Me? The name's Carlos, and you are?"   
  
Leon face flushes red and he goes to strike Carlos. But Carlos has better reflexes and manages to smack Leon with the butt of his gun. Leon collapses...again.   
  
Carlos kicks Leon and says "Fucker...you thought you could mess with El Papi and get away with it"   
  
He starts walking away, but stops too look back at the withered frame. He spats on him and says.."bitch." 

Jill is smoking a ciggarette when Claire and Sherry walk into the lounge room.   
  
"Are you Claire?" Jill ask looking intently at the child beside her, with the shred of Leon's pants still in her mouth.   
  
"Yes, I'm Claire, why do you ask?"   
  
"An annoying rookie was here earlier. He was looking for you. Is he your boyfriend?...I feel sorry for you if he is."   
  
"Did he say that!, Geez we just met, he beat me up because he found out about my real boyfriend Carlos!"   
  
"Carlos?", Jill starts laughing, "You've got to be kidding me, girl. He flirts with everyone."   
  
Claire is getting angry now. "Well it just so happens that we had SEX!" Sherry covers her ears and starts crying.   
  
Jill is shocked! "What!"   
  
Just then Carlos bust in. Both women exclaim,   
  
"CARLOS!"   
  
"Hey Ladies..." Carlos is surprised that everyone is so excited to see him. "How's it going?"   
  
Jill is pissed like hell. "Carlos we need to talk, mister..." He can tell this isn't good.   
  
But then,   
  
Leon stumbles in with a Colt-Python.   
  
"Anybody moves and I swear I'll blow your head off."   
  
Sherry dashes for Leon's ass again.   
  
**_BLAST!_**   
  
"I'm serious GODDAMMIT!!!" Leon shouts after shooting Sherry dead.   
  
Carlos is still kinda high from that joint and says, "Yo man you just killed a kid!"   
  
"I've had enough of you punk ass", Leon says as he aims for Carlos.   
  
**_CRASH_**   
  
Nemesis crashes through the door falling on Leon.   
  
"Carlos! I thought you killed him!" Jill says.   
  
"Ummm, hehe..." Carlos laughs nervously." Nemesis convulses as purple fluid seeps out. Suddenly his torso rips open and a little creature comes out. Jill shoots it with the magnum and it stops quivering.   
  
"What the fuck just happened..." Claire says still in shock.   
  
Carlos is silent. Jill examines the fetus.   
  
Jill gasp. Claire asks what's wrong.   
  
"It's got the most beautiful honey colored eyes." she says with clenched teeth looking up at Carlos.   
  
**_SLAP_**   
  
"I can't fucking believe you, you fucking pervert." Jill slaps Carlos again. 

**Chapter 5 **   
  
a couple months later....   
  
Carlos is shopping at Sedanos. He is flirting with other shoppers at the magazine rack.   
  
"Yeah, all the foxy ladies, love my accent."   
  
A man taps Carlos on the shoulder and ask,   
  
"Are you Carlos Olivera?"   
  
"Why yes I am." Carlos responded.   
  
Chris punches him in the face and knocks him to the ground.   
  
"You son of a bitch! look what you did to my sister!"   
  
Carlos looks up and sees Claire is pregnant. Carlos is kicked again, but this time by Jill.   
  
"Stupid fuck!, look at what you did!"   
  
Jill is also pregnant and very angry. Chris looks down at Carlos and says, "You sicko...you make me sick mister...."   
  
Claire however is not mad.   
  
"Well Carlos you became a dad just in time for Father's Day!"   
  
Carlos closes his eyes and groans..... 


End file.
